An Anecdotal Adventure

>L4D
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A little anecdote: A few weekends ago I had the flu. Bad. Worse than ever. I was, for about 3 hours, puking up yellow stomach acid and water because my stomach was that empty. Really unpleasant, especially when coupled with the shits. This lasted all night, and in the morning I decided to take a super long hot shower. I ran it until the full blast hot water ran cold. There was no more warm water left in our entire house, or our neighbors house I would guess.

Anyway, what the fuck is up with sharting? That's terrible. You go to sneeze, cough, fart, or whatever and a little liquid shit pops out to say "hi" allover your ass cheeks and inside of your shorts. I think everyone's reaction is the same when this happens too. You don't go "Wait. Hm. What was it that just happened? I'm not quite sure - I need to investigate.". You know what just happened. There's nothing else it could be. You, a full grown adult, just shit yourself while laying on the nice couch. Why couldn't it have been the loveseat? When this happens, you go "Fuck.", realize the "being a full grown adult" thing, and then say "Nobody must ever know of this! I need to get this out of here fast!" and proceed do everything in their power to erase any evidence of the event happening.

Well, the clothes get cleaned up really good, wiped clean with toilet paper and drenched in a half bottle of laundry pre-wash stain remover. You check your surroundings. Maybe something else got shit on it somehow? It's likely that there isn't. Why are you inspecting all the lamp shades? "Didn't I adjust the lamp a few minutes ago?" you think in panic. "Was it before or after this incident." then "Or was it this one? The nice navy blue on from IKEA".

The obligatory shower is just as bad. How do you get it off the fastest? Let the hot water run down it? That'll take forever, and it gets allover your legs and feet. Your feet are bad enough without a nice layer of shit on them. You don't want to use your hands either, this situation is gross enough already. Poop hands should probably be avoided.

The shower part is a lot worse when you have to do it with cold water, like when you take a 30 minute hot shower earlier in the day and use it all up.

Eventually, something will happen that leads to cleanliness. I don't how to explain it without watching every episode of MacGyver because out of a seriously limited number of cleaning supplies and tools everything will get taken care of through some ingenious manipulation.

12.25.2008

>VOGUE< --- It's finally Christmas. I never thought this year would come to a close this soon. I also never thought that holiday shopping could be such a pain in the ass. I always do all my shopping online, and now after doing the whole thing the "normal" way, I don't see why anyone would ever go to a store except for food. Lines, people, parking spots, dealing with cash, looking for stuff without the help of a search bar. What a headache. I bought and received some pretty awesome gifts this year. For my brothers, I got Adam a Boo pillow from Mario which I know is totally kickass and a Jack Skellington figure. Randy got a Japanese Mega Blok model of Palkia from Pokemon Pearl which is probably the coolest thing I've ever bought for anybody. Nathan got a Japanese Lucario action figure and some Bleach character trinkets I figured he could use for his snowboarding gear. My mom got baking sheets. Not badass or anything, but she wanted them, so that was successful. My dad got some thermal jeans from the army surplus store, and my aunt got an Amy Winehouse CD. She'd been asking me to burn her a CD of her music for about a month now, but I don't have any, so I figured an album would be perfect.

As for me, I think I hit the jackpot this year. I feel almost guilt ridden for all the awesome shit I got. Season 1 of Dexter which I've been dying to watch, a Quaran, Left 4 Dead on PC which was also really anticipated, Boom Blox for Wii, Madonna's Immaculate Collection, Panic at the Disco's Live in Chicago album which I didn't even know existed, Spore, a printer/scanner, some weights, a couple hundred dollars in gift cards and cash, and a new wallet.

I'm really excited to get the scanner hooked up sometime today or tomorrow. I have a couple hundred pages of sketches I've done over the years and scattered around the house, and now I can make 'em digital. I think I'll even take the time to ink and color some of them digitally and see how nice I can make some of my stuff look. I bet half of my stuff will look like complete shit if I go through and look at it now, but whatever. It's artwork, my artwork, and I didn't make it so I could throw it away. Now, hopefully this will lead to me working on my biggest dream project of all - a "graphic novel" (wtf how pretentious) or some short flash cartoons. I know how to animate alright, I just need a way to not have to draw everything by mouse and the scanner should help me.

Well, I'm out of mimosa, and I think I need more to keep the holiday buzz going. We couldn't do this sober now could we?

I Was Molested at Lunch

>kinda shitty
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The only choices for lunch in my house today were ramen noodles, instant ramen noodles, and Appian Way pizza with no cheese, just sauce and dough.

I had about 3 clean dishes in the cupboard consisting of a large plastic plate, a FOX 2 NEWS mug, and a ludicrously small cereal bowl. Oh, and I had a single fork sitting in the drawer. No other silverware.

Cringing from my drastically narrowed choices of cuisine, I went for the ever popular and flavorful INSTANT RAMEN affectionately named "Mr. Noodle" which oddly enough sounds like a pet name for a child molester. It was labeled "vegetable flavored" and by the small foil packet of freeze dried peas, microscopic carrot pieces, and corn kernels I suppose this is what was being referred to as the vegetables.

There were sufficient amounts of noodle, but the broth was bitter like most vegetable broth is. The recessitated vegetables were passable, but they all smelled like onion. So did the broth I guess. So does my breath.

To top it all off, it all came packeged in nature friendly styrofoam and shrinkwrap. I'm offended at this poor attempt at food. Too bad it makes up a large portion of my diet.