I'm Falling

I swear I just smelled the scent of autumn. I instantly felt a wave of flashbacks to last year, walking down the dark streets in the neighborhood, leaves blowing around, the chilled air, and the smell of smoke.

As much as I hope, I don't think this year will be quite like that. Seasons come and go, and so do friends. I don't think I'll be able to replace many of the people in my life.

Another Sad Tale

>kleening
>sigh...
---
I think I'm seriously depressed or something. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I'm ever actually happy. It sucks. Always tired and bored, never interested in anything. Goddamn.

2 weeks ago, the Tracker died while I was preparing for a trip to Camp Dearborn. Now I have a Hyundai Elantra which is a big upgrade for me. I will have full ownership in October 2012.

How depressing, it's actually 2009, and half over. I remember 2001 seeming like yesterday, and the idea of 2010 seemed unimaginably far off.

[edit: 100 wonderfully emo posts!]

Back in Business?

>beatbox my heartbeat. untie my shoes like I did my heartstrings
---
Hello world. It's been a while. My life has changed. No, my mind has changed - I just see life much differently now. My life's changed too. I guess.

I'm back into playing WoW, I play TF2 almost religiously now, and I'm only taking 9 credits in school this semester. I haven't been scheduled to work in a week. I like my classes, they are easy. I'm pretty much completely alone all day long, every day. By the time people start coming home, I'm either just starting to go to class, or have had to work. I feel insane. I think I'm starting to dislike other people around me. I'm uncomfortable. I think I'm going to start working out next week after my birthday on the 23rd.

Exile

>Bambino...
---
Well, it's just days before school starts. I feel like hell. I feel useless, dumb, blind, unwanted. I feel I need some sort of break to make myself better. Get rid of this sickness called reality. I guess I contracted it through an epiphany. My sluggish reactions to what life has thrown at me has caused everything I deluded myself into loving to come crashing down on me. I can't comprehend how to decide what it all means, so finding the meaning of the answer is impossible.

I need some sort of escape from my body and earth. From the universe. From suddenly realizing that everything that will ever happen and has ever happened means nothing in the grand scheme of everything or anything.

How do I lift curses?

Boggled...

>hey baby i hear the blues a callin'
>tossed salad and scrambled eggs
---
I don't even know what to say right now, my life is a mess. A horrible, horrible mess. Shit is fucked up. I'm not even sure where to begin the reconstruction. Relationships? Work? School? Home? Myself?

One thing I do know is that I'm on nasaimages.org. I'm fucking blown away. Maybe it's because I haven't been drunk in a while and I forgot the awesome feeling, but just looking at these photographs of hundreds of galaxies each with billions of stars, I can't help but want to simultaneously kill myself out of fear of uselessness and celebrate at the beautiful chaos of the universe. I'm fucking torn between the two. I've never felt so powerful and so weak at the same time. The mere fact that all of this exists is so excruciatingly wonderful and terrifying at the same time is almost like ecstasy.

Summer Blues: Part I

>looking for nothing
>dinner bah
---
My fucking life. Shit.

I can't even begin to explain what the hell is wrong with me lately. I have no motivation to do anything. It seems that work is the only fun I have all day, and that's definitely a stretch.

I can't read, I can't bring myself to play WoW, I can't make music, watch movies, eat something, anything. I just have no desire to do any of it. The only problem is what I do have attention for. I just tried drawing while listening to System of a Down. I came up with a face, and a little hair before losing all interest in art in general.

4chan doesn't amuse like it used to, nor does gamefaqs, facebook, myspace, wis.dm, or stumble. No one emails me, the only 2 blogs I read rarely update (kinda like me, heh...), and there are so few people that are entertaining on AIM it's sad.

Anyway, BAWWWWWWWW.

Here I am, now where are the past three weeks?

>drop a heart/break a name
---
So here I am, still off the track of my life. I feel so much slipping away, missed opportunities, jokes, moments, people. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm in a terrible grind right now, merely weeks into my summer break. It's torturous. I need more excitement in my life, but I don't know where to get it from.

Drinking is always a fun escape, but I need new places and faces, I can't do the usual "world explorer" bit I like to do with gas prices this high, and there's also the little fact that I've explored so much stuff with my friends I have left little to be found. I think Toledo was the farthest any of them were willing to go on my adventures, but I know I'd take them out to California if they had the time and I had the money.

I can barely get into WoW. TF2 isn't cutting it lately. CS:S is a love/hate relationship. I keep forgetting that Half Life 2 exists. I don't want to replay Bioshock until I get DX10. Not enough people play Smash Brothers well enough for them to be a challenge or any fun at all. Anything else? Not game related.

Books are hard to read for me now, though this could be just my choice of reading materials. Hitchhiker's Guide is good, but so odd that I often lose focus on what the hell is going on. I keep trying to read my books on philosophy, but with my schedule the way it is I'm usually too tired to stay awake for more than a few paragraphs or have already made plans for a night out. I want to be enlightened though, just at a more convenient time.

So basically, I'm in a rut. A really fucked up rut, and I hate it.

Wow, I guess I need some philosophical studies to get some pleasure out of what I have.

Time Escapes Me!

>robotic
>enslavement and sorrow
---
It's been a goddamn month since I've written anything and I'm kinda pissed at my lack of drive to do something productive. At least I kind of accomplished some stuff like finished a semester of school with a 3.6 gpa, rearranged my room and computer stuff, and started playing CS:S. Well, I kind of started playing World of Warcraft again too. Whatever. It's summer and I need to do something.

Here are some goals I'd like to accomplish:
>make music with Julius Mode or Burlap Baby
>read a lot of literature
>work out often
>become more frugal so I'm not always dirt poor

I Threw Away my Childhood?

>hey eric, remember when i went over your house and we bought that neopets cereal? that shit was fucking stupid
>grotesque
---
Today while taking out the trash, I noticed some Pokemon cards in one of the clear plastic bags. Not just any cards though, some of my favorite cards, specifically a Lieutenant Surge's Electabuzz. For some reason, this didn't phase me, and now that I look back to 5 hours ago I feel a kind of awkward sadness.

See, I held onto the goddamn cards for this long, since fourth or fifth grade. That's 8 or 9 years spent keeping these things safe and in great condition. They're worth next to nothing in money, but always represented a really important part of who I was growing up. I used to play all the Pokemon games, watched the anime, and even played the card game - semi professionally. I played because I guess I was just that good when I was that age compared with all of the other underachieving dumbshits who thought they could play.

Anyway, it's odd that I didn't feel anything about these cards as I saw them there, sitting in the trash. I just threw away part of my childhood. A big part. And it didn't phase me.

I'm tempted to go out on a limb and say that maybe I'm actually starting to grow up.

Maybe I'm an adult now, maybe I'm not. All I really know is how much it saddens me to think of this happening. I didn't think I'd ever actually change. I thought I could just sit and play in my own little world forever and things would just take care of themselves, but it doesn't look like my dream is going to last much longer, let alone forever.

I have to work on my life.